Update

Unfortunately there is really no update to give - But thought I should say something!

Lilibeth and Eddie are in Guatemala, but not at the children's home where they were receiving such good care. They are now in an orphanage run by the government. We continue to pray for them often. We continue to trust God for their future. We pray above all that they will grow to know our Savior and not only to trust in Him, but also do great things for Him.

Good Grief

Although it was hard to post the poem I wrote for Lilibeth and Eddie on mother's day, I decided to do it anyways.

I am trying to be more transparent with my struggles in the hope that someone else can benefit or somehow be encouraged. It's also part of my quest for more humility in my life. Yes, humility. The "failure" of our attempted adoption has been a very lonely experience for us. We have lacked categories to place our grief. And we realize that other people have a hard time understanding. Honestly, we struggle to understand it ourselves. I have been shocked by the intensity and the longevity of the grief I have felt over losing these two precious little ones.

In fact, many times I say to myself, "GOOD GRIEF! Just get over it. Enough is enough." And I am almost ashamed that I am grieving so intensely. . . I imagine that other people are looking at me thinking, "They were never actually your children anyways. You should never have allowed yourself to be so attached to them." And perhaps that is true.

I was talking with the wife of one of my pastors. She has raised adopted children. I told her, "I have learned my lesson. Next time I will not allow myself to get so attached to a child until he is home." Her response? "I don't think you can help it. It is natural and it is good." That was exactly what my heart needed to hear.

When you adopt, you see a photo of a child. You get a description of the child and then you make a commitment to parent the child. Then often times you get to send them care packages. You get regular pictures and updates on their lives. You may even get videos of them. You start planning your life with the child. You buy their necessities like beds, car seats, clothing. You buy the extras, like books, cd's, dolls, stuffed animals.

Everywhere you go you cannot help thinking about what it will be like when your child is home with you. . . The extra time you will need to load everyone into the car. . . You look in the rear view mirror and your mind's eye sees their faces along with the other faces you see there. . . You see other children your child's age and you watch them thinking, "that is what it will be like when my children are finally home". . . When people ask how many children you have, you aren't sure how to answer . . . You hear announcements in church of families adopting children and think that maybe next time that name will be yours. . . You see children being dedicated and pray that next time it will be you with your newly adopted children. . . You plan, you imagine, you dream, you wait, you pray and pray and pray . . .

And then they are gone. And they are still orphans. Orphans living in a state run orphanage. You want them to be safe. You long for them to have a family. You long for them to know the love of Godly parents. You want them to be discipled to know the Lord. You want so much for them and they have so little. And it hurts. You feel it keenly. And you grieve.

You go somewhere in the car and grieve because you must remove them from your mind's eye. . . You grieve when someone asks how many children you have because this time the answer is so simple . . . You grieve when the pastor makes a baby announcement that is not yours . . . You weep during the child dedications because you cannot dedicate your precious longed-for children to the Lord.

You grieve for what you thought would be. You grieve for what could have been. You grieve for shattered dreams. You grieve for the children who have so much less than what you want for them. You grieve their loss and yours.

You grieve. It is necessary. It is natural. It is good.

For Lilibeth and Eddie

Penned on Mother's Day 2009

Dear precious children of my heart
So far from me in a distant land
You may never know how much you're loved
I may never hold your hand

Oft I think: If I had the pow'r
If only I could have my way
You would not cry alone tonight
You would be in my arms to stay

But God is in control, not I
And He knows the reasons why
You cannot be here today
For now you must be far away

I may never see your faces
You may never know my touch
But with all my heart I pray
You will know I love you so much

He Humbles the Proud

I thought I'd share with you all my lessons on humility today.

We left for church this morning - Sophia wearing one of her dress-up cloth's dresses (A "bride's dress" - now mind you, it was an actual girls dress - probably from the 80's . . . ) Dillon had his church pants on . . . from last year . . . let's just say it looked like we were expecting a very large flood. Jack . . . well, he's just a baby so it doesn't really matter . . . right? Me, hmmm, suffice it to say that I've got a ways to go before my clothes fit me right again. (Jonathan did look nice though!)

So, I left the house feeling thankful that we were going to go to a different church today - I wouldn't know anyone there anyways. . .

SO who do we end up sitting by? You got it - Not only one of the families from Sophia's private school, but one of the most affluent families . . . AND the one with the cutest, best dressed mom and the sweetest most adorable kids! AND THEN, to top it off, my kids were in rare form the whole service - (Sophia was even under the pew at one point!)

As I sat there fuming at my misbehaving, geeky looking kids I realized that what was really going on with me was a ton of pride! Why should I be so livid at my kids? Why not sad that they were being disrespectful in church? The answer: IT WAS ALL ABOUT ME! My pride was hurt. Not only did we look like we got all our clothing at the local Good Will, but I also "obviously" was not quite cutting it as a mom with the way my kids were behaving.

What I needed was a change of heart.

The Lord was merciful to me and moved me from a fit of anger and self pity to one of humility and repentance. My kids were dressed the way they were because I had wanted to focus on a peaceful morning before church and chose not to start our morning off with fights about wardrobe. My kids were behaving like they were because they are still in training. They are still learning how to worship respectfully.

AND because the Lord needed to teach me a lesson about the difference between hurt pride and righteous indignation . . . The difference between disciplining my kids because they are making me look bad and disciplining them because I am concerned about the state of their souls . . . The difference between focusing on outward appearances and focusing on inner beauty . . . The difference between living for the moment and living for eternity.

Although I pretty much missed most of the sermon because I was busy redirecting my children, the Lord met me in a powerful way this morning.









(This is what I was wishing they looked like this morning!) :)

Lilibeth and Eddie need your prayers!

Thank you all for praying for these two sweet little ones. There is a lot going on with their case and right now it is not looking hopeful (from our own limited human perspective). Please join us in praying that the Lord will mightily intervene on their behalf. Please pray that He will move in the hearts of those with the power to get these kids into a loving family. A lot of things would need to come into place in a short amount of time, but we serve a powerful, merciful, loving and all-knowing God who works on the behalf of those who love Him!

Lilibeth and Eddie, His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches you!

Still Praying

Thank you for praying for Lilibeth and Eddie. Please continue to pray for protection for these sweet little ones. They are still in Guatemala.

Beautiful View!

We woke up this morning to a beautiful site outside our windows. The pictures do not do it justice.

I've been Tagged

Thanks for giving me the push to get a post out Sara!

So, I'm supposed to give you the fourth picture on the fourth folder of my computer . . . It is actually a picture of a picture. I had some complications with my last pregnancy, which required LOTS of ultrasounds and a few of those were even the 3D ultrasounds - which are AMAZING! When I had this one done, my husband was traveling for work, so I took pictures of the ultrasound pictures so that I could e-mail them to him.

Baby Jack - In Utero
July 7, 2008 - 27 weeks gestation

That one was actually really fun! :) Thanks Sara

So, now it's my turn to tag:
John and Charlotte
Amy
Heather
Devon