Brrrrrrr

I could not help but blog about the weather we are having up here.
Right now it is 15 BELOW with windchill at a whopping 45 BELOW - Yes that's below zero degrees Fahrenheit. You can literally get frostbit simply by going outside without covering your face. Schools were closed. Our sliding patio door is surrounded by ice - inside! Wow, now that's cold!

He hurls down his crystals of ice like crumbs;
who can stand before his cold?
Psalm 147:17 (ESV)

Amazing adventure

A month after our referral our agency still did not know exactly how the adoption would work, but they were still very positive about the fact that it would work. They explained how the previous adoption they had done like this worked, and it sounded like ours would be similar. Here is a copy of an e-mail I sent to my brother on October 31, 2007.

DATE: 10/31/2007

We are still waiting for information from the attorney that our international agency works with. We don't know for sure how this adoption will work. But, we did get to send a care package for the kids with my friend who is leaving on Friday to go down there on a missions trip. We sent a cute photoalbum for Lilibeth. If you want, you can view it at http://www.photoworks.com/photo-sharing/shareSigninBook.jsp?shareCode=A0AE9E3C491&cp=ems_shr_alb_emb&cb=PW

If we don't have more concrete information before my friend leaves then she is going to leave the book with the lady who is in charge of the orphanage. That way she can give it to Lilibeth when we know more definitely that she'll be coming home.

So, we are just trying to be patient and wait for God's perfect timing for this. It is hard at times, but it is good to rest in Him and we trust that this is where he wants us to be right now. Adoption is an amazing journey. I never realized how much you can love a child without even meeting them. We are excited and nervous and thrilled and panicked (sometimes) :) It's quite the adventure.

The lady who ran the orphanage said that the kids were definitely coming to our home and told my friend to go ahead and give the kids their photo albums. I think it was at this point that I completely allowed myself to believe that they were going to come home! However, looking back on all these e-mails just continually reminds me that we were exactly where God wanted us to be. It is hard to comprehend why we would need to take this difficult path, but we do know that God has a plan through everything. Our prayer remains the same, "Lord, be glorified through our adoption journey."

Lessons Learned: Let Go and Let God

Through our adoption process so far we have learned so much more about what it really means to "let go and trust in God's perfect timing and perfect wisdom" than I ever imagined when I wrote this e-mail (just three days before our referral). It was good for me to read my own e-mail reminding me not to get all upset about things that are really beyond my control and to "rest in knowing that God is in control and working all things (even the hard things) together for our good!"

Date: Mon, 24 Sep 2007

This whole process is teaching me to just let go and really trust in God's perfect timing and perfect wisdom. Knowing that no matter what happens it will be for good. So, I'm learning not to get all upset about things that are really beyond my control. . . Of course my first thoughts are - "wait a minute, why wasn't our process like that!" But I know better than to dwell on that.

It's really a growing experience for me. I'm usually much more of a "hands on," "get it done," "assert yourself" type person. Anyways, just random thoughts, but all to say that it's really been good to rest in knowing that God is in control and working all things (even the hard things) together for our good! My biggest prayer through this whole process is that no matter what happens God will amazingly glorify his name through our process. . . I'm also praying that God would mightily show Himself to our social worker and others at [our homestudy agency] through our adoption process. In some ways we've already seen His blessing and answering that prayer, and we trust He will continue to do that!

All things work together for good

We are still processing what has happened these last few months. It has been a very difficult experience. I know that we have grown a lot through all the ups and downs and yes, even through the grief that we've gone through and are still dealing with. It's been very helpful and healing for me to look back at journal entries and e-mails that I sent to friends throughout these last several months. I thought I'd share some of those with you so that you too can hopefully see how God has been leading us and causing us to grown even through pain.

The following e-mail was sent to a friend just six days before our referral.


Date: Fri, 21 Sep 2007 20:27:47 -0500

We just found out that we are now number 5 on the waitlist. (So we moved up two spots in the last 1+ months.) [It actually turned out that we had not moved at all, but they anticipated that we would be moving up in the next week or so.] I don't really know what that means for us at this point . . . I have been talking with my social worker a lot about their domestic minority program. We have been praying about whether we should just switch to that program now, but when my social worker mentioned that to [the social worker at our international agency], [she] said she would like it if we could just "sit tight" for a little while longer, but she wouldn't say why . . .

I guess I don't really understand why she was not willing to give a reason why she wanted us to wait. But I'm trying, trying, trying to be patient and peaceful. For some reason it's harder when I feel like someone else might know something I would like to know :o)

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 (English Standard Version)

Christ is All

Okay, here goes an attempt at explaining what's going on to all of you who love us and who love Lilibeth and Eddie and are praying for us. It is a very long, involved and complicated story, so it is really hard to tell in a brief couple of paragraphs. So, I'll give you the basics and then I might add some details in the entries to come.

There has been another family in process with adopting Lilibeth and Eddie since February 2007. We received the referral for them in September of 2007, after the family in process with them said that they were not able to continue. We were told that this family would be "disrupting," and we would adopt the children as a domestic adoption once they arrived in the United States. The last few months have been filled with ups and downs as any international adoption is - especially Guatemala adoptions lately.

We did believe, however, that Lilibeth and Eddie were coming to our home. We were thrilled at how specifically God answered many of our prayers in blessing us with these two precious children. We were told that the kids would most likely be home by the end of the year. We prepared for their homecoming as best we could by getting ready physically (buying beds, car seats, clothes, bilingual children's books, Spanish children's CDs, etc.) and getting ready emotionally. (I did try to guard my heart - but I'm wondering if it's actually possible after you receive a referral?) We also prepared our children for the addition of not one but two little siblings. My five-year-old daughter quickly went from "I think four is too many kids" to "I think Lilibeth and Eddie should both share my room with me." My two-year-old son frequently prayed "Tank you for Lilibeth and Eddie."

Then, one week before Christmas everything came crashing down. Literally. We experienced a grief that we had never known before. We were told "Lilibet and Carlos are no longer an option for you." You can imagine our absolute shock and disbelief. Up until this phone call we had absolutely no idea that anything was going wrong. We were made an offer to fly down to Guatemala and sign POA (power of attorney) for two other unrelated babies. There was absolutely no way we were giving up on our kids that easily. We pressed for answers - What had gone wrong? I now know what it means to experience so much grief at once that you actually suffer physically as well. My body completely reacted, and I was in bed with "flu-like" symptoms for the next day (it was most likely food poisoning at a very inopportune time). My husband was left to take care of the kids and try to put together the pieces of our shattered dreams.

Now comes the part that is a big reason I have been struggling with how to tell our story. This is where I could use prayer to have the right attitude towards people who we were trusting to help us and to do the right thing for Lilibeth and Eddie. I am going to leave some pertinent information out at this point because I just don't know how to tell it yet or if this is actually the place for it. For now, suffice it to say that after a few days we found out that Lilibeth and Eddie were again an "option" for us, but time was not on our side.

For those of you reading this who are not familiar with what is happening with Guatemalan adoptions right now, you need to know that everything in Guatemalan adoptions as we knew them ended at the end of December 2007. With only 4 business days left in the year, we were left scrambling trying to figure out what could actually be done to bring Lilibeth and Eddie home. After many agonizing phone calls and e-mails to people that are considered experts in Guatemalan adoptions, we became increasingly aware that there was nothing we could do this year (2007) that would help to bring them home. We were advised over and over that we needed to wait until next year when a new system of adoption was in place for Guatemala.

Although I did recover from my sickness, I was physically shaking for the next several days as we struggled to do something - anything - to figure out how to get these kids that we loved safely home. Eventually my body calmed down, but I spent the next few weeks making phone calls, researching on the internet, calling the US Department of Homeland Security, trying to figure out how to become a Guatemalan citizen in case it would help us under the new process. . . yes, basically exhausting every avenue I could think of.

Then came the final blow to my striving to figure out how to bring these children home. It came in the form of another phone call. This one was a tearful call from the woman who was in process with Lilibeth and Eddie since last February. She was calling to let me know that they had been contacted by our agency to ask them if there was any way they could still bring the kids home as their case was actually still active in Guatemala. They spent a few days to figure things out but are now proceeding to bring the children to their home ("grandfathered" in under the old system of Guatemalan adoption). I am so grateful to her for calling to tell me what was happening, because otherwise I would still be spending my time in a useless pursuit of information on how to adopt these kids.

I am ashamed to admit that at first I really was angry towards God for allowing this to happen when He so clearly led us to this place. During those weeks of extreme stress I said quick prayers for direction and comfort, but I did not spend time in agonizing prayer. I had more of an "I need to do something to fix this" attitude. I was not resting and trusting in my God who is good all the time, and who loves Lilibeth and Eddie more than I do and has the power to move in ways that I could never even imagine.

Looking back on the last several weeks I know that God has been doing a mighty work in my heart. For some reason, I was having a hard time completely surrendering Lilibeth and Eddie to Him. In fact, I have always struggled with knowing how to surrender my children completely to Him. I have prayed that God would show me how, and I believe that this experience has answered that prayer in a lot of ways. Walking through this fire has also taught me much about the all-sufficiency of Christ. There is a kind of joy that comes from realizing that Christ is all you need - everything else that He blesses you with is secondary compared to loving and knowing him.

Why Guatemala?

I'll give you the final decision maker as to why we chose Guatemala - namely: we fell in love with the idea of adopting a child from Eagle's Nest children's home. Now I will back up and fill you in on a little of the decision making process.

One of our considerations for where to adopt from was travel time. With two small children already at home, it was pragmatically difficult to even consider a country that required a lengthy stay. Guatemala has a very short time that is required to travel, so we were drawn to that country for that reason.

However, as I researched I soon discovered that there were many "rumors" and talk about concerns of child trafficking and other ethical issues with the way Guatemalan adoptions were being handled. Now, bear with me here. I realize that there are similar issues with any country you adopt from (including our own), and that there are many, many good, reputable agencies that provide excellent and very ethical service in uniting Guatemalan children to families. But, I'm just reporting what I was finding through my research, specifically that Guatemala was especially in the hot seat for issues concerning fraudulent adoption practices and child trafficking. Knowing that, we were wary of pursuing an adoption from Guatemala, and we were leaning towards a domestic minority adoption.

However, during one of our home visits for our homestudy our social worker was describing the different programs they had to offer for international and domestic adoptions. When she mentioned Guatemala, she said that in order to qualify through their program you needed to have a reference letter from a pastor. We were definitely intrigued and wanted to learn more. What we learned is that the agency that was doing our homestudy uses another agency for their program for Guatemalan adoptions. This other agency matches children out of an orphanage in Guatemala that is run by Baptist missionaries. We looked at the web-sites for the orphanage and the international agency, and we checked for any other information we could find about them.

In the end, we fell in love with the idea that our child would be well cared for at this children's home. We could go there to visit and stay right there in apartments that they had on site. Years later we could go back to visit, maybe even taking our child with us if he or she was interested. We could support the home even after our child was home with us. These were all reasons we fell in love with Eagle's Nest children's home in Guatemala, and we were thrilled to adopt children from that home.

My Husband's Response

After reading my last post, my husband e-mailed me with some additional thoughts:

I think God has blessed us with a taste of his experience of adopting us. Because of a desire in his heart to rescue those who were without a 'home' he committed himself to a process which in the short term caused him intense suffering and pain. Unlike us, God knew ahead of time that the process would be unspeakably difficult and full of rejection and betrayal. He endured this because he knew that displaying the glory of his adopting love was worth the price he would pay and that it would eventually result in an eternal joy. We got to channel a bit of his adopting love to Eddie and Lilibeth, and though this love did not produce the fruit of successful adoption we get to rejoice that this love will not be wasted and will somehow fold in to that eternal joy that all of God's successfully adopted children will one day feel.

Why Adoption?

Why adopt? Bottom line is: We love kids! We would love to have a lot of kids, and adoption is a beautiful way to add kids to our family. Having said that, there are also other factors that led us to choosing adoption for our family.

When I was a child if anyone asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, my reply was always the same: "I'm going to start an orphanage in Vietnam." I guess I have always had a heart for orphans. I also grew up knowing four aunts and uncles and a cousin who were all adopted and all but one of Asian descent. My husband has a special place in his heart for orphans because he is an orphan and knows how it feels even as an adult to be without parents.

Our Heavenly Father also has a special place in his heart for orphans. He calls himself the "Father of the fatherless." (Psalm 68:5) Throughout the Bible evidence abounds for His special love for the fatherless. And then, we are commanded to "look after orphans in their distress." (James 1:27) We are not specifically told to adopt orphans into our families, and we realize that there are many ways to provide relief to orphans. But, we also believe that adoption is a beautiful picture of our relationship with our Heavenly Father. He says several times in the New Testament that if we are trusting in Him, He adopts us. We are no longer strangers, but daughters and sons. Our journey towards adoption has given us a new perspective on God's loving Father heart that receives us into His family as legal heirs. (See Romans chapters 8 and 9)

Would we have chosen adoption if we knew that it would lead us down this path of intense suffering and pain? Honestly, I'm not sure. But I hope so. I hope so because we did not enter into the process of adoption lightly. We entered with much prayer and by following the leading of our Heavenly Father. If we would have somehow been able to foresee this suffering and turn away from the process, we would not have been walking in obedience to our all-knowing, all-powerful and all-sufficient God. We would not have tasted the joy that comes from being sustained by God's grace through the deep valley of pain.

The grace of God is sufficient for every new day no matter how difficult. . . There is more true joy in walking with God through fire, than walking on beaches without him.
-Pastor John Piper

Purpose of this blog

When I started this blog my purpose was to share our exciting news of our referral and then future updates with family and close friends. We were new to the blogging scene and nervous about making personal information public, but as time went on and our attachment to Lilibeth and Eddie grew, we eventually wanted to tell everyone we met our exciting news. I enjoyed also the idea of meeting other adoptive families who were also waiting for kids from our same orphanage. I anticipated printing entries and comments out for Lilibeth's and Eddie's Lifebooks.

The other purpose of my blog was to enlist the help of our family and friends in praying for us and for Lilibeth and Eddie. I want to thank all of you for your encouragement and prayers during the last months. God has definitely granted many requests.

My purpose of continuing this blog, even after loosing hope that Lilibeth and Eddie will come home is to glorify God by attempting to tell our story in such a way that shows how He has moved and is working even through an incredibly difficult and tumultuous adoption process. We have prayed since the beginning of our adoption process (over three years ago) that God would display His glory and draw people to Himself through our process. And even though we do not have a "fairy tale ending" to our story, our prayer remains the same.

So, over the next several entries I will attempt to piece together our story for you. My prayer for you as you read this is that you will be irresistibly drawn to our almighty God who is good all the time.

No good thing will He withhold

This is an quote from George Mueller concerning the sickness and eventual death of his wife:

The last portion of scripture which I read to my precious wife was this: “The Lord God is a sun and shield, the Lord will give grace and glory, no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.” Now, if we have believed in the Lord Jesus Christ, we have received grace, we are partakers of grace, and to all such he will give glory also. I said to myself, with regard to the latter part, “no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly”—I am in myself a poor worthless sinner, but I have been saved by the blood of Christ; and I do not live in sin, I walk uprightly before God. Therefore, if it is really good for me, my darling wife will be raised up again; sick as she is. God will restore her again. But if she is not restored again, then it would not be a good thing for me. And so my heart was at rest. I was satisfied with God. And all this springs, as I have often said before, from taking God at his word, believing what he says.

Lord God, we believe your word that says you will not withhold any good thing from those who walk uprightly. We know that if it is really good for us, Lilibeth and Eddie will come into our home, but if they do not come home, it is because it would not have been a good thing for us. We rest in you. We want to be fully satisfied in you alone. We trust in your perfect wisdom. And while it looks like Lilibeth and Eddie will not come into our family, we trust that you do all things for the good of those you love you and who believe in your promises. We believe Lord, please help our unbelief. Fill us with grace and mercy as we respond to this situation you have placed before us. Be a sun and a shield to us. Bring healing to our broken hearts and cause us to trust and rest in you more. You are an amazing God, and we praise you for this work you have begun in us. In the precious name of Jesus we pray, Amen.

Our amazing God

Encouragement from my five-year-old:

Do you know how amazing God is?
He is so amazing that before He even created you,
He knew what you were going to do today.
-Sophia Grace

Thank you Lord for this reminder from the daughter you have blessed me with. You are so amazing Lord. Thank you that before we even existed, you had a plan for us and you knew each detail of our lives. Thank you that you are not surprised at this trial we are going through. Thank you that you work all things together for our good - including the incredibly painful things. Amen.

Hope

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in you.
Psalm 39:7

Oh Lord, we don't know what you have planned for us, but we trust in you. We trust your perfect plan, and we will wait. You are not surprised at this struggle we are facing. You who formed Lilibeth and Eddie also have a plan for them - a perfect plan. We pray that we will be a big part of that plan and that we may still bring these precious children home. And now, oh Lord, for what do we wait? We wait for you. Our hope is in you. Please reveal your plan to us and help us to rest in you and to wait patiently for you. Amen.

Come unto me . . .

Last night, as I lay weeping, it all came to me with the sharpness of a rebuke. Why should I weep and repine? Why should I bear this trouble as if it were my trouble alone? Have I not been expressly commanded not to do so? . . . 'Come unto me, all ye heavy laden,' and little by little everything grew clear. I had no right to agonize thus over Lilibeth and Eddie - it was distrusting Christ. It was as if I were bent double with some heavy load and a stronger offered to carry it , saying, 'It is really my load - give it to me!' yet I would still persist in clinging to the dreadful weight, staggering and groaning at every step, yet blaming that other even while refusing to yield the burden; and I said, 'Forgive me, Lord! Lilibeth and Eddie were yours before they were mine, and you love them. I give them to you to carry and to save. I will do my human best, and I will trust your heavenly wisdom and await your time. I have brought my burden - give me your comfort!' . . . I know that my Lord is carrying my burden, that I may rest in His peace. Lilibeth and Eddie are His, and He is 'mighty to save.' "

From the book Wrestler of Philippi by Fannie E. Newberry (1896)

Again, I find myself ministered to by other's words who can express so much better what I am going through right now.

Still praying and waiting

Just for an update - We are still praying for a miracle . . . The Lord may still provide a way for the kids to come home. We are praying that God would move the people in "power" to action so that they can come safely home. Thank you for joining us in praying for these precious children. Please pray that God will also align our desires with His own, and that we will know His peace and His will in this difficult situation.

We appreciate you!

Psalm 27
The LORD Is My Light and My Salvation

The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?

When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.

Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet I will be confident.

One thing have I asked of the LORD,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to inquire in his temple.

For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.

And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the LORD.

Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
You have said, "Seek my face." My heart says to you,
"Your face, LORD, do I seek."

Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!

For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the LORD will take me in.

Teach me your way, O LORD,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence.

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living!

Wait for the LORD;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD!

Lessons Learned: Standing and Waiting

I've been struggling with knowing what to write lately. (As you may have noticed - I've been taking the "cut-and-paste" route.) I want to thank all of you for your prayers. Although these last few weeks have been some of the most difficult we have ever faced, we are now feeling God's peace even though we still do not understand His ways. We are still praying that He makes a way for Lilibeth and Eddie to come home. Right now we do not know how that would happen. I have been trying to think of what God is teaching me through this, and I came across this part in my all time favorite adoption book:

I realize how conditioned we are as middle-class Americans to take action, overcome obstacles, and get what we want. We feel entitled to the fulfillment of our desires. We presume that things should go our way, quickly and smoothly. If that does not happen, we usually think that with enough money or time we can conquer any problem.

The "where there's a will, there's a way" mindset is entrenched in our culture. . . Our language reveals how we cherish control and self-help: We try to "take control" of parts of our lives in which we feel "out of control." People "pull themselves up by their bootstraps." More than once, I have had salesmen at the door tell me that the Bible says "God helps those who help themselves." (It doesn't.)

Our feeling of control vanishes at times, those shattering moments that become markers in our lives. A longed-for pregnancy ends in miscarriage. A Loved one is diagnosed with terminal illness. But even then we grasp as much control as possible. We read books, become experts, make sure we obtain the best medical care possible, try alternative therapies, ask lots of questions, and, if not satisfied, find someone else to help us. For every crisis, there are books and websites promising that you can will and work your way out of your problems and into your desires.

Many of us would be frustrated, and likely even appalled, if we lived in close proximity with those from a more fatalistic culture. They meet difficulties differently, sometimes perceiving their hardships as the will of God, which should not be changed by manipulation. We would cry out that they should do something: Work hard, talk to people, rebuild, re-try - something, but not just passive acceptance.

The Bible does tell us to work and to persevere - but with effort that is built on a bedrock of reliance of God. Instead our faith is often laid on sands of self-sufficiency. We approach our problems with some prayer, but really we're thinking we can do a lot to fix them ourselves. Now waiting for Lilibeth and Eddie* our hands are tied. There is nothing we can do, so our faith and hope must be in God alone.

We wring our helpless hands as Lilibeth and Eddie get older each week. We long to bring them home like nothing we have longed for before. And we cannot make it happen. Money, time, connections are useless. Neither pushiness nor kindness, neither phone calls nor e-mails, neither influential politicians nor the best adoption agencies, nothing but God himself can move these babies from the orphanage in Guatemala to our home in Wisconsin. Their lives and ours are in the hands of a cadre of bureaucrats in a different part of the world. Our culturally conditioned expectation of getting our way has been smashed.

So I struggle against my sense of entitlement, my expectation that everything must go my way, my raging disappointment when I cannot do anything more to get what I want. And there may be other battles going on as well. . . There are sometimes spiritual battles being waged under the surface of paperwork and diplomacy, conflicts incited when there is an attempt to move children from orphanages to Christian homes. . . "our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Eph 6:12). In the military language of that passage, we are to "stand firm," wearing the spiritual armor of truth, righteousness, faith, and prayer. We do not know all that is happening in the hidden fields of this battle. But whether I am fighting against my own self-centered presumption or against spiritual forces in Guatemala, I find that standing is hard work, when I want to run in and do something.

But when I try to run, I hit a brick wall. It must be good for me to see my complete lack of control. Prevented from doing anything else, I can only try to stand in faith, try to learn how to "be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power" (Eph 6:10). God is weaning me from dependence on my manmade tools and training me to use his weapons.

Where there's a will . . . we stand and wait.

From Carried Safely Home by Kristin Swick Wong
*names changed to fit our situation.

I would add that it is an amazing comfort to know that their lives and ours are ultimately in the hands of the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe, who is infinitely more powerful than any cadre of bureaucrats this world has.