I've been Tagged

Thanks for giving me the push to get a post out Sara!

So, I'm supposed to give you the fourth picture on the fourth folder of my computer . . . It is actually a picture of a picture. I had some complications with my last pregnancy, which required LOTS of ultrasounds and a few of those were even the 3D ultrasounds - which are AMAZING! When I had this one done, my husband was traveling for work, so I took pictures of the ultrasound pictures so that I could e-mail them to him.

Baby Jack - In Utero
July 7, 2008 - 27 weeks gestation

That one was actually really fun! :) Thanks Sara

So, now it's my turn to tag:
John and Charlotte
Amy
Heather
Devon

Iron Kids

This past weekend we went to our first family sport event. I felt a little nostalgic as I remembered cheering my brother on when we were kids, and I figured this will be the first of many events we attend for our little guy.

RUNNING across the balance beam

Yes - hopscotch is now an official sport!



He needs a little practice on his hockey skills :)



Great ball handling!





Medal Ceremony with Karen Bye (from the US Women's Olympic Gold Medal Hockey team)

Dillon was very excited to recieve his gold medal! He went running right up to the front when his name was called.

Proud spectators

Home Grown Boy

A couple of my blogger friends have asked, so I'm guessing others of you would like to know too: Jack is a "home-grown" blessing!

Introducing Jack Dalton

Jack Dalton

Born October 7, 2008

"God is Gracious"We are blessed!

Nature or Nurture?

Sound asleep with our favorite things . . .

What's your vote? Nature or Nurture?
(FYI - Sophia does have balls and Dillon does have dolls . . .)

Loving the Giver more that the gift

The name of our blog comes from the meanings of Lilibeth and Eddie's names. Lilibeth's name means "my God is abundance" and Eddie's name means "blessed," therefore, our blog became "My God's Abundant Blessings."

What I never dreamed of when I named this blog, is that God would be teaching me in a whole new way that I need to want Him more than I want His abundant blessings. I've learned more than ever before, what it means and feels like to completely surrender your blessings (in this case my children) to the Lord and trust Him with the outcome.

Through this whole adoption process I have had to trust God completely - with something that I badly wanted to happen. Something that I've dreamed about for years. And the Lord has refined me. You see, my trust is easy to give when things are going my way. But, the Lord has graciously shown me more of what it truly means to hang unto Jesus. The Lord has taught me that He is more satisfying than His gifts, and the lessons learned through pain can also be abundant blessings.

Romans 11:33-36

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God!

How unsearchable are his judgments

and how inscrutable his ways! “For who has known the mind of the Lord,

or who has been his counselor?”
“Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?”

For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be glory forever. Amen.

The Whole Life Adoption Book

While Carried Safely Home is my all time favorite adoption book where spiritual and emotional issues are concerned, The Whole Life Adoption Book by Jayne Schooler is (so far) my favorite adoption book where practical issues are concerned. AND . . . bonus for you - When I went to find the link on Amazon, I discovered that there is a new edition published this year and co-authored by Thomas C. Atwood. (I posted the picture of the older edition because that is the one that I have.)

Amazon has the "Look Inside" option for the older edition, and I would recommend checking it out - I think the table of contents gives a good idea of what the book is about.

Nico

Nico Everett Swenson
7.7.07 - 6.3.08

Please pray for Adam and Marueen and little Katja as they grieve the loss of their precious little boy. You can read more about their story and specific ways to pray at http://caringbridge.org/visit/nicoswenson

Still Praying for Lilibeth and Eddie

For those of you who follow this blog and also the Eagle's Nest blog, you will already have read a little about Lilibeth and Eddie's situation right now. As we are not in process with the kids anymore, I have not wanted to say anything on this blog, but since it has already been mentioned . . . Please pray for the safety and well-being of these precious kids. As far as we have been told, it is hopeful that they will be returned to Eagle's Nest, but they will most likely be in a government orphanage for the weeks to come. The details are not mine to tell, but thank you for continuing to pray. Lord, we pray for Lilibet and Carlos Eduardo. Please watch over them. Keep them from all harm and watch over their lives. Thank you that you are the God of all comfort, and you love these little ones more than we can ever imagine. We pray that you would comfort them and give them your peace. Surround them with your angels and watch over their coming and going both now and forevermore. In Jesus' all-powerful name we pray, Amen.

There is a Way to Be Happy, Even in Sadness

Godly Sorrow: Jesus' and Ours
By John Piper March 23, 2005

Christian Hedonists embrace necessary sorrow for the glory of God. On the one hand, we are utterly committed to pursuing joy in God at all times. But on the other hand, we know there is more to the emotional life of godly people than joy. Joy is not the only good emotion. But without delight in God, no emotion would be good. Either as component or the concomitant of all godly emotions, it is joy in God that makes them good.

Consider sorrow. Neither Jesus nor the Holy Spirit has ever sinned. But both have grieved. Both have been sorrowful. Therefore, godly sorrow is possible.

Not only that, godly sorrow is possible also for sinners. It is possible precisely because of our sin. One form of sorrow is sorrow for doing something wrong. So Paul writes to the Corinthians:

For even if I made you grieve with my letter, I do not regret it. . . . I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. (2 Corinthians 7:8-10)

At least two things govern what makes sorrow good. One is the cause, the other is the outcome. The cause of godly sorrow for our own sin is the spiritual perception of its moral ugliness, not just its negative consequences. We see it as morally repugnant. This repugnance is owing to our spiritual preference for the taste of the truth and beauty of God. Therefore our sorrow for sin is rooted in our savoring of God. Sin is a revolting flavor in the feast of godwardness. Therefore, sorrow over this is a signal that we delight in God. That is what makes the sorrow good.

The outcome of good sorrow for sin is repentance and holiness. In fact, repentance includes sorrow for sin and extends it to a more durable experience of holy living. This holy living is the outward form of delighting in God above all sin. Therefore delight in God is what makes the sorrow and repentance good.

But what about sorrow that is not for our own sin, but for the way we are sinned against or the way we are hurt by calamity and loss? Jesus sorrowed like this. For example, when he saw the Pharisees murmuring about his healing on the Sabbath, “He looked around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart” (Mark 3:5). And in the garden of Gethsemane, he said, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death. Remain here and watch” (Mark 14:34).

Jesus’ sorrow was not owing to his own sin, but to the sins of others. This is the way it is with the Holy Spirit as well. Paul calls us to put sin out of our lives so that we do not grieve the Spirit: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption” (Ephesians 4:29-30).

In the same way believers embrace godly grief not only for our own sins but for the sins of others and for the pain that loss brings us. For example, Peter speaks of our grieving over trials: “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, as was necessary, you have been grieved by various trials” (1 Peter 1:6). Paul speaks of our grieving over lost loved ones: “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13). And Paul refers to his own grief over the lostness of his kinsmen: “My conscience bears me witness in the Holy Spirit—that I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart (Romans 9:1).

Nevertheless Paul makes the astonishing statement in 2 Corinthians 6:10 that what marks his life and should mark ours is “sorrowful, yet always rejoicing.” This is what makes our sorrow godly. I do not claim that this experience is simple or that we can even put it into adequate words—what it means to be joyful in sorrow. Heaving sobs at the loss of a loved one does not look like joy. Indeed is not joy in its fullness, as we will know it when “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away” (Revelation 21:4).

Rather the joy that endures through sorrow is the foretaste of that future joy in God which we hope for in the future. When Jesus was “very sorrowful, even to death” in Gethsemane he was sustained by “the joy that was set before him” (Hebrews 12:2). This does not mean that he felt in the garden or on the cross all that he would feel in the resurrection. But it does mean that he hoped in it and that this hope was an experienced foretaste of that joy.

Therefore, we groan here, waiting for the redemption of our bodies and for the removal of all our sins (Romans 8:23). This groaning and grieving is godly if it is molded by our delight in hope of glory (Romans 5:2-3). The delight is muffled by the pain. But it is there in seed form. It will one day grow into a great vine that yields wine of undiluted delight.

So let us embrace whatever sorrow God appoints for us. Let us not be ashamed of tears. Let the promise that joy comes with the morning (Psalm 30:5) sustain and shape our grief with the power and goodness of God.

By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: desiringGod.org

We have an Amazing God!

God continues to be merciful to us and show us more of who He is through our adoption process. Lately this song by Chris Tomlin has really ministered to me. It is so good to trust a God who put the stars in the sky and knows them by name. He who tells every lightning bolt where it should go is the same God who is taking care of Lilibeth and Eddie. This all powerful God is the same God who led us to where we are now. He imagined the sun and gives source to its light, and He has the power to move however He will in the actions of governments and in adoption agencies and in families. He sees to the depth of our hearts. He knows our yearnings and our hurts, and He is powerful and will give us what is good for us. He sees the sinful bitter feelings we struggle against, and yet He loves us. It is so incredible to meditate on the God who controls the universe. Even when I cannot possibly understand the work He is doing in my life, how could I not stand in awe of this indescribable, incomparable, unchangeable, amazing God?

Chris Tomlin - Indescribable
From the album Arriving

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea,
Creation's revealing Your majesty.
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring,
Every creature unique in the song that it sings. All exclaiming...

(Chorus)
Indescribable, Uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God.
All powerful, Untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees and we humbly proclaim,
You are amazing God.

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go,
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow?
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light,
Yet conceals it to give us the coolness of night?
None can fathom...

(Chorus)

Incomparable, Unchangeable,
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same.
You are amazing God.

De Colores

If you are still checking for new posts on my sad little blog, thank you very much for hanging in there and for your support! Hopefully I can give you some nice rewards for your loyalty. I'm determined to finish my entries on my favorite adoption resources!

This one is for those of you who are adopting from a Spanish speaking country. We love music in our home, and I believe it would be a great tool for helping your little one make the transition into your home. We were planning on bringing home a lively pre-schooler and a sweet, quite little toddler. One of the ways I was excited to bond with them was through music. I found an excellent CD and book set. They are sold separately, but I highly recommend buying both. It is called De Colores and other Latin-American Folk Songs for Children. The CD is sung in very clear (easy to understand) Spanish with a simple guitar accompaniment. The book has wonderful illustrations and also has the lyrics in both English and the original Spanish. There are even background notes on the origins of the songs and suggestions for fun ways to sing the song with your children (hand gestures, actions, etc.) The book also has the musical arrangements for piano and guitar. The links I included are all to Amazon, but you can also check out his web-site at http://www.joseluisorozco.com/.

José-Luis Orozco, who Amazon says is "perhaps the best-known bilingual children's singer," was born in Mexico city and has lived in many different countries. With Spanish as his native tongue, the songs are very well done, and not cheesy like many children's CDs out there. He has several different CDs, but I chose this one because we already knew a few of the songs on the CD. (Including "La araña pequeñita" or "The Eensy, Weensy Spider") I bought a CD for the car and one for the house so that we could really learn the songs well. Sophia and Dillon love it!

Pain for the Glory of God

Several of you have asked if we have heard anything recently about how Lilibeth and Eddie are doing. First of all, thank you for asking, and thank you for realizing that this is still painful for us. No, unfortunately we do not know for sure how they are doing. We have not heard from the family that is in process with them for a while, and we have yet to get a response from the international agency.

We are still dealing with the pain of this situation. There are few people who we have told everything about what has happened, so I'm sure it is hard to understand why we are still hurting over everything. Suffice it to say that we would give anything and do anything to have Lilibeth and Eddie home with us. When we accepted the referral they became our kids. We love them deeply and feel the loss greatly. Believe me, we have exhausted every avenue that we can think of, but we have realized that there is nothing left for us to do but to trust in the Lord's goodness and faithfulness.

When we embarked on this adoption journey our prayer was that God would be glorified throughout our process. Although we are trying not to dwell on our pain, we are acknowledging that God has an eternal purpose even in this horrendously difficult situation. We are grabbing unto God's promise that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28) and steadfastly holding on regardless of how long the pain persists. We know that God can and will use all things to conform us "to the likeness of His Son" (Romans 8:29) And as Job said, "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him." (Job 13:15) The God of the universe is our Father, and He does not make mistakes. He has never failed us, and He will not fail us now.

God's sovereignty means that He could have prevented my pain -- ouch! I don't like that! IF He is good, how could He have allowed such affliction? But the answer comes back from the pages of Scripture. His goal for me is far higher than external pleasure or a life without pain. He loves me so much that He desires to shape me into the very image of Jesus, and He is powerful enough to use every relationship and situation in my life to accomplish His objective. Yielding to this glorious truth delivers me from slavery to my pain -- perhaps not from the pain, but from slavery to it. . .

"We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure . . . . Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us . . . " (II Corinthians 1:8-10).

Our tendency to independence is crushed when the pressure is beyond our ability and we cast ourselves on resurrection power. Then we depend on His power that has delivered us, does deliver us, and will continue to deliver us!

Quote from By Design by Susan Hunt

If I Had My Life to Live Over

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer.)

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's." More "I'm sorry's."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it ... live it .and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with.

I hope you all have a blessed day.

Carried Safely Home

Finally, the moment you've all been waiting for. . . A break from the weighty posts and a recommendation for my all time favorite adoption book. If you don't know me well, I will say that I'm kind of a nut when it comes to books and researching everything thoroughly. Without exaggeration, I would say that I own at least a dozen books on adoption. If you've been following my blog for awhile, you will already know which adoption book outshines all the others (in my opinion.) I have quoted from it in these posts:

Lessons Learned: Standing and Waiting

Psalm 139

I highly recommend this book by Kristin Swick Wong Carried Safely Home: The spiritual legacy of an adoptive family. It is full of Godly insights and saturated with Scripture, and at the same time Kristin is open and honest with her struggles. She does an excellent job describing the pain of being separated from the child that you are waiting to adopt and follows that with the lessons she learned during her adoption processes. I would recommend the book not only to families currently in the process of adopting, but also to anyone who would like to understand more of what a family experiences emotionally while they are waiting to bring their child home.

God is Sovereign (even over our suffering!)

I have been told by a number of people things to the effect that "It's good to know that even though God did not cause our suffering (even though we are suffering only because of man's fallennes), God can still turn it around for good." I have to say that I disagree with this statement. I believe that God is completely sovereign over all things - even over our suffering. After Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery and he experienced great suffering at the hands of the Egyptians, he said to his brothers, "It was not you who sent me here, but God." (Gen 45:8) And later he told them, "you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good." (Gen 50:20) Yes, God is sovereign even over other people's evil intentions. God has a plan even in our suffering - Not despite our suffering. God is not surprised by what we are going through. He is not left scrambling to find a way to work this together for our good. Rather, he planned our suffering because he knows that it is for good. We can be thankful that he is graciously allowing us to go through pain that we may know more of his goodness and mercy. He does have a sovereign plan in what we are going through, and we trust in His promises and His faithfulness.

The key to suffering rightly is to see in all things the hand of a merciful and good and sovereign God and "to live upon God that is invisible." There is more of God to be had in times of suffering than any other time.
-John Piper

Let me beg of thee, that thou wilt not be offended either with God, or men, if the cross is laid heavy upon thee. Not with God, for he doth nothing without a cause, nor with men, for . . . they are the servants of God to thee for good.(Psalm 17:14 KJV; Jer. 24:5). Take therefore what comes to thee from God by them, thankfully.
-John Bunyan

Jesus, I am resting, resting

The Lord is continuing to teach us how to rest in Him. (In more ways than we ever anticipated!) Here is an e-mail to a friend who asked if I was nervous about our adoption:

DATE: 12/14/2007

I'm definitely nervous. Especially during the hard days - then I think, "Am I crazy, what was I thinking?!? How am I going to do this with four kids?" But then, I always come back to the amazing way that God has led us here so far, and I know (with my head, but not always my heart) that if God does not want this to happen - it still will not happen. I also know, like you said, that I really can't do it on my own. And I think that is exactly where God wants us to be - so that in our weakness He will make us strong. He gets the glory.

Right now I am struggling with how to make sure that I am in a place where I'm resting in Him and His strength even during the "easy" days, so that when the tough ones come (and I am expecting them to come) - I'll be better prepared and in the
habit of resting. (It makes me think of that hymn - "Jesus I am resting, resting. In the joy of what thou art; I am finding out the greatness, of Thy loving heart.) So, I think of it as an opportunity to learn more about God and for my faith to grow. (And trust me - I have a lot of growing to do!) I can totally imagine how you must be feeling right now though - It's easy for me to calmly say these things because I have not just been hit with any huge news!
Hang on to Jesus! I'm praying for you!
Sarah
ps Okay, so I had to go look up the rest of the words to that hymn - If you are interested, I love the verses (although the music on this site has much to be desired!!!) http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/j/i/jiamrest.htm

As we are resting in Jesus, you - my faithful readers - I'm sure have had quite enough of the posts of old e-mails! Of course I could go on an on, but with the next few posts I am going to list some of the adoption resources that I have been using and have found especially helpful. Should be a bit more interesting for those of you who are adopting right now. Thank you for continuing to pray for us and for Lilibeth and Eddie.

He works in ways we can't even see

Looking back at e-mails that I wrote during this process has really helped me to see how God was moving. Here is an e-mail I wrote last November:

DATE: 11/20/2007

This has been such a unique and heart-wrenching process for us! I have days too where I've been completely sad and discouraged and anxious . . . etc. It's still hard - even after having a referral because there are so many unknowns! For some reason lately God has really blessed me with a peace and rest about everything, but that has definitely not been my attitude throughout the process! . . . It's so hard to wait! . . .

So, the names. . . We are keeping Lilibeth's first name - We actually really like it! It is a combination of Lilian and Elizabeth. Lilian means "pure" and Elizabeth means "My God is abundance." We are changing her middle name to Joy (it is Melisa). We haven't settled on a name for Eddie yet, but we will most likely keep his middle name which is Eduardo (they call him Eduardo at the orphanage because his first name is Carlos and they had too many Carlos's already.)

. . . I just look back on everything now, and even though we don't have Lilibeth and Eddie in our arms yet, I can see why the Lord caused the delays that he did, even though it was painful and so hard at times. He has worked in ways that I can't even see, and I trust that Lilibeth and Eddie need to be where they are a bit longer than we had hoped because God has a greater plan than mine.

Oh, and I know what you mean about being concerned about the kid's transition into your home! I've been thinking about that a TON lately! I've noticed though that I get more anxious when I spend a lot of time reading the posts on the Guatadopt list - The people post the really hard situations, but the people who have good situations don't bother writing about it. But, I do think it will be hard. But it will be good too! And it will build character and faith! (I'll need to save this e-mail so I can read it to myself when the kids come home.) :)

Little did I realize that I what this e-mail would mean to me now. It will be hard, but it will be good. And it will build character and faith. God has a greater plan than mine!

Brrrrrrr

I could not help but blog about the weather we are having up here.
Right now it is 15 BELOW with windchill at a whopping 45 BELOW - Yes that's below zero degrees Fahrenheit. You can literally get frostbit simply by going outside without covering your face. Schools were closed. Our sliding patio door is surrounded by ice - inside! Wow, now that's cold!

He hurls down his crystals of ice like crumbs;
who can stand before his cold?
Psalm 147:17 (ESV)

Amazing adventure

A month after our referral our agency still did not know exactly how the adoption would work, but they were still very positive about the fact that it would work. They explained how the previous adoption they had done like this worked, and it sounded like ours would be similar. Here is a copy of an e-mail I sent to my brother on October 31, 2007.

DATE: 10/31/2007

We are still waiting for information from the attorney that our international agency works with. We don't know for sure how this adoption will work. But, we did get to send a care package for the kids with my friend who is leaving on Friday to go down there on a missions trip. We sent a cute photoalbum for Lilibeth. If you want, you can view it at http://www.photoworks.com/photo-sharing/shareSigninBook.jsp?shareCode=A0AE9E3C491&cp=ems_shr_alb_emb&cb=PW

If we don't have more concrete information before my friend leaves then she is going to leave the book with the lady who is in charge of the orphanage. That way she can give it to Lilibeth when we know more definitely that she'll be coming home.

So, we are just trying to be patient and wait for God's perfect timing for this. It is hard at times, but it is good to rest in Him and we trust that this is where he wants us to be right now. Adoption is an amazing journey. I never realized how much you can love a child without even meeting them. We are excited and nervous and thrilled and panicked (sometimes) :) It's quite the adventure.

The lady who ran the orphanage said that the kids were definitely coming to our home and told my friend to go ahead and give the kids their photo albums. I think it was at this point that I completely allowed myself to believe that they were going to come home! However, looking back on all these e-mails just continually reminds me that we were exactly where God wanted us to be. It is hard to comprehend why we would need to take this difficult path, but we do know that God has a plan through everything. Our prayer remains the same, "Lord, be glorified through our adoption journey."

Lessons Learned: Let Go and Let God

Through our adoption process so far we have learned so much more about what it really means to "let go and trust in God's perfect timing and perfect wisdom" than I ever imagined when I wrote this e-mail (just three days before our referral). It was good for me to read my own e-mail reminding me not to get all upset about things that are really beyond my control and to "rest in knowing that God is in control and working all things (even the hard things) together for our good!"

Date: Mon, 24 Sep 2007

This whole process is teaching me to just let go and really trust in God's perfect timing and perfect wisdom. Knowing that no matter what happens it will be for good. So, I'm learning not to get all upset about things that are really beyond my control. . . Of course my first thoughts are - "wait a minute, why wasn't our process like that!" But I know better than to dwell on that.

It's really a growing experience for me. I'm usually much more of a "hands on," "get it done," "assert yourself" type person. Anyways, just random thoughts, but all to say that it's really been good to rest in knowing that God is in control and working all things (even the hard things) together for our good! My biggest prayer through this whole process is that no matter what happens God will amazingly glorify his name through our process. . . I'm also praying that God would mightily show Himself to our social worker and others at [our homestudy agency] through our adoption process. In some ways we've already seen His blessing and answering that prayer, and we trust He will continue to do that!

All things work together for good

We are still processing what has happened these last few months. It has been a very difficult experience. I know that we have grown a lot through all the ups and downs and yes, even through the grief that we've gone through and are still dealing with. It's been very helpful and healing for me to look back at journal entries and e-mails that I sent to friends throughout these last several months. I thought I'd share some of those with you so that you too can hopefully see how God has been leading us and causing us to grown even through pain.

The following e-mail was sent to a friend just six days before our referral.


Date: Fri, 21 Sep 2007 20:27:47 -0500

We just found out that we are now number 5 on the waitlist. (So we moved up two spots in the last 1+ months.) [It actually turned out that we had not moved at all, but they anticipated that we would be moving up in the next week or so.] I don't really know what that means for us at this point . . . I have been talking with my social worker a lot about their domestic minority program. We have been praying about whether we should just switch to that program now, but when my social worker mentioned that to [the social worker at our international agency], [she] said she would like it if we could just "sit tight" for a little while longer, but she wouldn't say why . . .

I guess I don't really understand why she was not willing to give a reason why she wanted us to wait. But I'm trying, trying, trying to be patient and peaceful. For some reason it's harder when I feel like someone else might know something I would like to know :o)

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 (English Standard Version)

Christ is All

Okay, here goes an attempt at explaining what's going on to all of you who love us and who love Lilibeth and Eddie and are praying for us. It is a very long, involved and complicated story, so it is really hard to tell in a brief couple of paragraphs. So, I'll give you the basics and then I might add some details in the entries to come.

There has been another family in process with adopting Lilibeth and Eddie since February 2007. We received the referral for them in September of 2007, after the family in process with them said that they were not able to continue. We were told that this family would be "disrupting," and we would adopt the children as a domestic adoption once they arrived in the United States. The last few months have been filled with ups and downs as any international adoption is - especially Guatemala adoptions lately.

We did believe, however, that Lilibeth and Eddie were coming to our home. We were thrilled at how specifically God answered many of our prayers in blessing us with these two precious children. We were told that the kids would most likely be home by the end of the year. We prepared for their homecoming as best we could by getting ready physically (buying beds, car seats, clothes, bilingual children's books, Spanish children's CDs, etc.) and getting ready emotionally. (I did try to guard my heart - but I'm wondering if it's actually possible after you receive a referral?) We also prepared our children for the addition of not one but two little siblings. My five-year-old daughter quickly went from "I think four is too many kids" to "I think Lilibeth and Eddie should both share my room with me." My two-year-old son frequently prayed "Tank you for Lilibeth and Eddie."

Then, one week before Christmas everything came crashing down. Literally. We experienced a grief that we had never known before. We were told "Lilibet and Carlos are no longer an option for you." You can imagine our absolute shock and disbelief. Up until this phone call we had absolutely no idea that anything was going wrong. We were made an offer to fly down to Guatemala and sign POA (power of attorney) for two other unrelated babies. There was absolutely no way we were giving up on our kids that easily. We pressed for answers - What had gone wrong? I now know what it means to experience so much grief at once that you actually suffer physically as well. My body completely reacted, and I was in bed with "flu-like" symptoms for the next day (it was most likely food poisoning at a very inopportune time). My husband was left to take care of the kids and try to put together the pieces of our shattered dreams.

Now comes the part that is a big reason I have been struggling with how to tell our story. This is where I could use prayer to have the right attitude towards people who we were trusting to help us and to do the right thing for Lilibeth and Eddie. I am going to leave some pertinent information out at this point because I just don't know how to tell it yet or if this is actually the place for it. For now, suffice it to say that after a few days we found out that Lilibeth and Eddie were again an "option" for us, but time was not on our side.

For those of you reading this who are not familiar with what is happening with Guatemalan adoptions right now, you need to know that everything in Guatemalan adoptions as we knew them ended at the end of December 2007. With only 4 business days left in the year, we were left scrambling trying to figure out what could actually be done to bring Lilibeth and Eddie home. After many agonizing phone calls and e-mails to people that are considered experts in Guatemalan adoptions, we became increasingly aware that there was nothing we could do this year (2007) that would help to bring them home. We were advised over and over that we needed to wait until next year when a new system of adoption was in place for Guatemala.

Although I did recover from my sickness, I was physically shaking for the next several days as we struggled to do something - anything - to figure out how to get these kids that we loved safely home. Eventually my body calmed down, but I spent the next few weeks making phone calls, researching on the internet, calling the US Department of Homeland Security, trying to figure out how to become a Guatemalan citizen in case it would help us under the new process. . . yes, basically exhausting every avenue I could think of.

Then came the final blow to my striving to figure out how to bring these children home. It came in the form of another phone call. This one was a tearful call from the woman who was in process with Lilibeth and Eddie since last February. She was calling to let me know that they had been contacted by our agency to ask them if there was any way they could still bring the kids home as their case was actually still active in Guatemala. They spent a few days to figure things out but are now proceeding to bring the children to their home ("grandfathered" in under the old system of Guatemalan adoption). I am so grateful to her for calling to tell me what was happening, because otherwise I would still be spending my time in a useless pursuit of information on how to adopt these kids.

I am ashamed to admit that at first I really was angry towards God for allowing this to happen when He so clearly led us to this place. During those weeks of extreme stress I said quick prayers for direction and comfort, but I did not spend time in agonizing prayer. I had more of an "I need to do something to fix this" attitude. I was not resting and trusting in my God who is good all the time, and who loves Lilibeth and Eddie more than I do and has the power to move in ways that I could never even imagine.

Looking back on the last several weeks I know that God has been doing a mighty work in my heart. For some reason, I was having a hard time completely surrendering Lilibeth and Eddie to Him. In fact, I have always struggled with knowing how to surrender my children completely to Him. I have prayed that God would show me how, and I believe that this experience has answered that prayer in a lot of ways. Walking through this fire has also taught me much about the all-sufficiency of Christ. There is a kind of joy that comes from realizing that Christ is all you need - everything else that He blesses you with is secondary compared to loving and knowing him.

Why Guatemala?

I'll give you the final decision maker as to why we chose Guatemala - namely: we fell in love with the idea of adopting a child from Eagle's Nest children's home. Now I will back up and fill you in on a little of the decision making process.

One of our considerations for where to adopt from was travel time. With two small children already at home, it was pragmatically difficult to even consider a country that required a lengthy stay. Guatemala has a very short time that is required to travel, so we were drawn to that country for that reason.

However, as I researched I soon discovered that there were many "rumors" and talk about concerns of child trafficking and other ethical issues with the way Guatemalan adoptions were being handled. Now, bear with me here. I realize that there are similar issues with any country you adopt from (including our own), and that there are many, many good, reputable agencies that provide excellent and very ethical service in uniting Guatemalan children to families. But, I'm just reporting what I was finding through my research, specifically that Guatemala was especially in the hot seat for issues concerning fraudulent adoption practices and child trafficking. Knowing that, we were wary of pursuing an adoption from Guatemala, and we were leaning towards a domestic minority adoption.

However, during one of our home visits for our homestudy our social worker was describing the different programs they had to offer for international and domestic adoptions. When she mentioned Guatemala, she said that in order to qualify through their program you needed to have a reference letter from a pastor. We were definitely intrigued and wanted to learn more. What we learned is that the agency that was doing our homestudy uses another agency for their program for Guatemalan adoptions. This other agency matches children out of an orphanage in Guatemala that is run by Baptist missionaries. We looked at the web-sites for the orphanage and the international agency, and we checked for any other information we could find about them.

In the end, we fell in love with the idea that our child would be well cared for at this children's home. We could go there to visit and stay right there in apartments that they had on site. Years later we could go back to visit, maybe even taking our child with us if he or she was interested. We could support the home even after our child was home with us. These were all reasons we fell in love with Eagle's Nest children's home in Guatemala, and we were thrilled to adopt children from that home.

My Husband's Response

After reading my last post, my husband e-mailed me with some additional thoughts:

I think God has blessed us with a taste of his experience of adopting us. Because of a desire in his heart to rescue those who were without a 'home' he committed himself to a process which in the short term caused him intense suffering and pain. Unlike us, God knew ahead of time that the process would be unspeakably difficult and full of rejection and betrayal. He endured this because he knew that displaying the glory of his adopting love was worth the price he would pay and that it would eventually result in an eternal joy. We got to channel a bit of his adopting love to Eddie and Lilibeth, and though this love did not produce the fruit of successful adoption we get to rejoice that this love will not be wasted and will somehow fold in to that eternal joy that all of God's successfully adopted children will one day feel.

Why Adoption?

Why adopt? Bottom line is: We love kids! We would love to have a lot of kids, and adoption is a beautiful way to add kids to our family. Having said that, there are also other factors that led us to choosing adoption for our family.

When I was a child if anyone asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, my reply was always the same: "I'm going to start an orphanage in Vietnam." I guess I have always had a heart for orphans. I also grew up knowing four aunts and uncles and a cousin who were all adopted and all but one of Asian descent. My husband has a special place in his heart for orphans because he is an orphan and knows how it feels even as an adult to be without parents.

Our Heavenly Father also has a special place in his heart for orphans. He calls himself the "Father of the fatherless." (Psalm 68:5) Throughout the Bible evidence abounds for His special love for the fatherless. And then, we are commanded to "look after orphans in their distress." (James 1:27) We are not specifically told to adopt orphans into our families, and we realize that there are many ways to provide relief to orphans. But, we also believe that adoption is a beautiful picture of our relationship with our Heavenly Father. He says several times in the New Testament that if we are trusting in Him, He adopts us. We are no longer strangers, but daughters and sons. Our journey towards adoption has given us a new perspective on God's loving Father heart that receives us into His family as legal heirs. (See Romans chapters 8 and 9)

Would we have chosen adoption if we knew that it would lead us down this path of intense suffering and pain? Honestly, I'm not sure. But I hope so. I hope so because we did not enter into the process of adoption lightly. We entered with much prayer and by following the leading of our Heavenly Father. If we would have somehow been able to foresee this suffering and turn away from the process, we would not have been walking in obedience to our all-knowing, all-powerful and all-sufficient God. We would not have tasted the joy that comes from being sustained by God's grace through the deep valley of pain.

The grace of God is sufficient for every new day no matter how difficult. . . There is more true joy in walking with God through fire, than walking on beaches without him.
-Pastor John Piper

Purpose of this blog

When I started this blog my purpose was to share our exciting news of our referral and then future updates with family and close friends. We were new to the blogging scene and nervous about making personal information public, but as time went on and our attachment to Lilibeth and Eddie grew, we eventually wanted to tell everyone we met our exciting news. I enjoyed also the idea of meeting other adoptive families who were also waiting for kids from our same orphanage. I anticipated printing entries and comments out for Lilibeth's and Eddie's Lifebooks.

The other purpose of my blog was to enlist the help of our family and friends in praying for us and for Lilibeth and Eddie. I want to thank all of you for your encouragement and prayers during the last months. God has definitely granted many requests.

My purpose of continuing this blog, even after loosing hope that Lilibeth and Eddie will come home is to glorify God by attempting to tell our story in such a way that shows how He has moved and is working even through an incredibly difficult and tumultuous adoption process. We have prayed since the beginning of our adoption process (over three years ago) that God would display His glory and draw people to Himself through our process. And even though we do not have a "fairy tale ending" to our story, our prayer remains the same.

So, over the next several entries I will attempt to piece together our story for you. My prayer for you as you read this is that you will be irresistibly drawn to our almighty God who is good all the time.

No good thing will He withhold

This is an quote from George Mueller concerning the sickness and eventual death of his wife:

The last portion of scripture which I read to my precious wife was this: “The Lord God is a sun and shield, the Lord will give grace and glory, no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.” Now, if we have believed in the Lord Jesus Christ, we have received grace, we are partakers of grace, and to all such he will give glory also. I said to myself, with regard to the latter part, “no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly”—I am in myself a poor worthless sinner, but I have been saved by the blood of Christ; and I do not live in sin, I walk uprightly before God. Therefore, if it is really good for me, my darling wife will be raised up again; sick as she is. God will restore her again. But if she is not restored again, then it would not be a good thing for me. And so my heart was at rest. I was satisfied with God. And all this springs, as I have often said before, from taking God at his word, believing what he says.

Lord God, we believe your word that says you will not withhold any good thing from those who walk uprightly. We know that if it is really good for us, Lilibeth and Eddie will come into our home, but if they do not come home, it is because it would not have been a good thing for us. We rest in you. We want to be fully satisfied in you alone. We trust in your perfect wisdom. And while it looks like Lilibeth and Eddie will not come into our family, we trust that you do all things for the good of those you love you and who believe in your promises. We believe Lord, please help our unbelief. Fill us with grace and mercy as we respond to this situation you have placed before us. Be a sun and a shield to us. Bring healing to our broken hearts and cause us to trust and rest in you more. You are an amazing God, and we praise you for this work you have begun in us. In the precious name of Jesus we pray, Amen.

Our amazing God

Encouragement from my five-year-old:

Do you know how amazing God is?
He is so amazing that before He even created you,
He knew what you were going to do today.
-Sophia Grace

Thank you Lord for this reminder from the daughter you have blessed me with. You are so amazing Lord. Thank you that before we even existed, you had a plan for us and you knew each detail of our lives. Thank you that you are not surprised at this trial we are going through. Thank you that you work all things together for our good - including the incredibly painful things. Amen.

Hope

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in you.
Psalm 39:7

Oh Lord, we don't know what you have planned for us, but we trust in you. We trust your perfect plan, and we will wait. You are not surprised at this struggle we are facing. You who formed Lilibeth and Eddie also have a plan for them - a perfect plan. We pray that we will be a big part of that plan and that we may still bring these precious children home. And now, oh Lord, for what do we wait? We wait for you. Our hope is in you. Please reveal your plan to us and help us to rest in you and to wait patiently for you. Amen.

Come unto me . . .

Last night, as I lay weeping, it all came to me with the sharpness of a rebuke. Why should I weep and repine? Why should I bear this trouble as if it were my trouble alone? Have I not been expressly commanded not to do so? . . . 'Come unto me, all ye heavy laden,' and little by little everything grew clear. I had no right to agonize thus over Lilibeth and Eddie - it was distrusting Christ. It was as if I were bent double with some heavy load and a stronger offered to carry it , saying, 'It is really my load - give it to me!' yet I would still persist in clinging to the dreadful weight, staggering and groaning at every step, yet blaming that other even while refusing to yield the burden; and I said, 'Forgive me, Lord! Lilibeth and Eddie were yours before they were mine, and you love them. I give them to you to carry and to save. I will do my human best, and I will trust your heavenly wisdom and await your time. I have brought my burden - give me your comfort!' . . . I know that my Lord is carrying my burden, that I may rest in His peace. Lilibeth and Eddie are His, and He is 'mighty to save.' "

From the book Wrestler of Philippi by Fannie E. Newberry (1896)

Again, I find myself ministered to by other's words who can express so much better what I am going through right now.

Still praying and waiting

Just for an update - We are still praying for a miracle . . . The Lord may still provide a way for the kids to come home. We are praying that God would move the people in "power" to action so that they can come safely home. Thank you for joining us in praying for these precious children. Please pray that God will also align our desires with His own, and that we will know His peace and His will in this difficult situation.

We appreciate you!

Psalm 27
The LORD Is My Light and My Salvation

The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?

When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.

Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet I will be confident.

One thing have I asked of the LORD,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to inquire in his temple.

For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.

And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the LORD.

Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
You have said, "Seek my face." My heart says to you,
"Your face, LORD, do I seek."

Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!

For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the LORD will take me in.

Teach me your way, O LORD,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence.

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living!

Wait for the LORD;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD!

Lessons Learned: Standing and Waiting

I've been struggling with knowing what to write lately. (As you may have noticed - I've been taking the "cut-and-paste" route.) I want to thank all of you for your prayers. Although these last few weeks have been some of the most difficult we have ever faced, we are now feeling God's peace even though we still do not understand His ways. We are still praying that He makes a way for Lilibeth and Eddie to come home. Right now we do not know how that would happen. I have been trying to think of what God is teaching me through this, and I came across this part in my all time favorite adoption book:

I realize how conditioned we are as middle-class Americans to take action, overcome obstacles, and get what we want. We feel entitled to the fulfillment of our desires. We presume that things should go our way, quickly and smoothly. If that does not happen, we usually think that with enough money or time we can conquer any problem.

The "where there's a will, there's a way" mindset is entrenched in our culture. . . Our language reveals how we cherish control and self-help: We try to "take control" of parts of our lives in which we feel "out of control." People "pull themselves up by their bootstraps." More than once, I have had salesmen at the door tell me that the Bible says "God helps those who help themselves." (It doesn't.)

Our feeling of control vanishes at times, those shattering moments that become markers in our lives. A longed-for pregnancy ends in miscarriage. A Loved one is diagnosed with terminal illness. But even then we grasp as much control as possible. We read books, become experts, make sure we obtain the best medical care possible, try alternative therapies, ask lots of questions, and, if not satisfied, find someone else to help us. For every crisis, there are books and websites promising that you can will and work your way out of your problems and into your desires.

Many of us would be frustrated, and likely even appalled, if we lived in close proximity with those from a more fatalistic culture. They meet difficulties differently, sometimes perceiving their hardships as the will of God, which should not be changed by manipulation. We would cry out that they should do something: Work hard, talk to people, rebuild, re-try - something, but not just passive acceptance.

The Bible does tell us to work and to persevere - but with effort that is built on a bedrock of reliance of God. Instead our faith is often laid on sands of self-sufficiency. We approach our problems with some prayer, but really we're thinking we can do a lot to fix them ourselves. Now waiting for Lilibeth and Eddie* our hands are tied. There is nothing we can do, so our faith and hope must be in God alone.

We wring our helpless hands as Lilibeth and Eddie get older each week. We long to bring them home like nothing we have longed for before. And we cannot make it happen. Money, time, connections are useless. Neither pushiness nor kindness, neither phone calls nor e-mails, neither influential politicians nor the best adoption agencies, nothing but God himself can move these babies from the orphanage in Guatemala to our home in Wisconsin. Their lives and ours are in the hands of a cadre of bureaucrats in a different part of the world. Our culturally conditioned expectation of getting our way has been smashed.

So I struggle against my sense of entitlement, my expectation that everything must go my way, my raging disappointment when I cannot do anything more to get what I want. And there may be other battles going on as well. . . There are sometimes spiritual battles being waged under the surface of paperwork and diplomacy, conflicts incited when there is an attempt to move children from orphanages to Christian homes. . . "our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Eph 6:12). In the military language of that passage, we are to "stand firm," wearing the spiritual armor of truth, righteousness, faith, and prayer. We do not know all that is happening in the hidden fields of this battle. But whether I am fighting against my own self-centered presumption or against spiritual forces in Guatemala, I find that standing is hard work, when I want to run in and do something.

But when I try to run, I hit a brick wall. It must be good for me to see my complete lack of control. Prevented from doing anything else, I can only try to stand in faith, try to learn how to "be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power" (Eph 6:10). God is weaning me from dependence on my manmade tools and training me to use his weapons.

Where there's a will . . . we stand and wait.

From Carried Safely Home by Kristin Swick Wong
*names changed to fit our situation.

I would add that it is an amazing comfort to know that their lives and ours are ultimately in the hands of the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe, who is infinitely more powerful than any cadre of bureaucrats this world has.